Queer Eyed? Nah, Eyes on the Prize

“We must understand the term ‘helpmate’ in its most basic meaning. Woman was given to man so that he can understand himself, and reciprocally man is given to woman for the same end. They are to mutually affirm each other’s humanity, awed by its dual richness.” Pope St. John Paul II, “A Meditation on Givenness”

As a guy whose conflict with same-sex attraction ran deep, being truly “awed” by women seemed impossible. My persistent struggle reinforced disappointment. I concluded that my “gay” self disqualified me.

This familiar temptation quietly disempowered my masculine gift. I needed people empowered by Jesus to help me see reality and renounce the lie that my same-sex desires were, well, me, my state in life.

Yet my body speaks differently; it orients me towards the other. Married or not, making peace with the opposite sex is the ultimate goal of chastity (CCC #2337). This work of chastity prepares me for union with God in heaven (CCC #2347). God trains me by calling me into communion with the other, a partnership that bears His image (Gn 1:27).

The alternatives were tempting but disappointing. The worldview that God allowed “gay” concupiscence for my good, which then orders me into forced “celibacy,” is, in truth, frustrating and sourced in a flimsy anthropology and spirituality.

The goal became clearer. Don’t stall in gay fantasyland or identification.

Instead, I needed to ask the hard questions: Why am I allergic to “healing” in my sexual brokenness? Do I mistrust God to help me? Why do I feel threatened by other guys while at the same time drawn to them sexually? Why am I tempted to bypass women as worthy of my attention and/or pursuit? Do I fear rejection? Am I afraid that my history of struggle disqualifies me from being received by a woman? Do I feel locked into a “gay” celibacy because it would be too costly to take another route?

These challenging moments became opportunities for further maturity and healing. My difficult reactions invited deeper surrender. 

Once I left the seminary and moved to Kansas City, I was excited about dating. I had been steeping in the Living Waters/TOB reality, and I felt empowered to offer my gift!

It was harder than I expected.

Because of my involvement with Desert Stream/Living Waters, my struggle with SSA became public through a podcast. Some women I tried to pursue weren’t open to my admittedly broken gift.

Gift-giving necessitated fortitude. Just because my gift wasn’t received didn’t mean I wasn’t a good gift. Jesus’ mercy washed me from familiar disappointment and helped me get back up again and again.

My masculine sexuality has power to empower. I had the duty and privilege to dignify women all around me. I wanted her to be better off because of me, whether a colleague, friend, family member, or future girlfriend. She needed me just as much as I needed her.

 “Within the orbit of your manhood [woman should] find her way to her vocation and sanctity…​​Perhaps God wills that it be you who is the one who tells her of her inestimable worth and special beauty.” John Paul II, “A Meditation on Givenness”

Those of us who struggle with SSA or LGBTQ+ identification need healing—the outcome: deeper freedom to be a man for woman, woman for man. Without the healing work of Jesus, we stall in our untapped potential.

More eager to dignify her for her sake than to sweep a bride off her feet, I met Ania when I least expected it. We grew to be fascinated by the “dual richness” of our lives together. Our histories of sexual brokenness became mutual awe. Our gifts found a home in each other and became more defined by fulfillment than frustration. Ania helps me grow in my ability to dignify her and others.

Are you in awe of the other? I invite you to grow in mutual fascination. Cultivating love of the other unlocks the purpose of our common sexual humanity.

Join Andrew on Desert Streaming each week as he dives deeper into his blog. Watch here or listen on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.