No ‘Mixed’ Marriages

‘Mixed’ marriages connote a hint of racism—historically a union of different ethnicities, non-Anglos casting a shadow over the ‘white’ stuff. Good riddance to questionable language. 

The same applies to how progressive evangelicals describe persons who marry in light of a history of same-sex attraction. ‘Mixed-orientation marriage’ is the new realism, the way forward for ‘Side B’ folk (Revoice founder and leader Nate Collins identifies as ‘gay,’ a status unchanged by his marriage to Sarah) who insist on biblical marriage and in the same breath refuse to lay down ‘gay’ selves. I disagree with this terminology for a few reasons.    

There is no such thing as a ‘gay-oriented’ person, only persons trying to sort out a blend of desires and self-perceptions. The cultural embrace of a ‘gay self’ has opened Pandora’s box, e.g. many opting for a ‘queer’ identity or ‘questioning’ his or her biological sex entirely, thus stalling at ‘them’ or ‘they.’ Whew. Given the trend toward ‘fluidity’, I recommend that we Christians assert our inheritance as persons deeply loved by God who whether we like it or not are either male or female, sons or daughters, at varying stages of ‘becoming’ mature men and women.

Our bodies may well challenge our feelings. But they tell us the truth: we are designed for ‘the other’ and can integrate that truth, both in self-acceptance and growing openness to the opposite sex.

We can hope that any person sorting out same-sex attraction who marries deeply loves a person of the opposite sex. If that is true, then he or she needs to be loving enough to cast off old ‘LGBTQ+’ identifications. Why? He or she has chosen to wholly identify with another, body, soul, and spirit. The two are now one.

Love compels us to shed unnecessary plastic jargon. How many marriages socially identify as ‘mixed’ due to past porn or adultery? None. If a person can’t do without rainbow labels, he or she is not ready to marry. Saying ‘I do’ to another means declaring ‘I don’t’ identify with a lesser self that frustrates my self-giving.

One may say: “I ‘gay’ identify as to be real, to tell myself the truth of my SSA; I don’t want to fall into unreality.” “OK, be real,” I advise. “Admit your struggle. But don’t define yourself as ‘gay.’ That empowers SSA.” When one makes adjectival stuff a noun, he or she makes an unnecessary social pronouncement that emboldens the old self and its desires.

On the other hand, the self united with Christ possesses authority to stand on solid truth: ‘I am man, I am woman. I can speak honestly and helpfully about residual struggle. I work out my salvation in fear and trembling because I am united with another in holy love. Jesus empowers my pledge and my defining reality, relationally speaking.’

To identify as ‘mixed’ is an insult to one’s family. Annette chose not a ‘gay’ man but a pretty good guy who loved her undividedly. She respects who I am and the decisions I made to forego ‘gay’ identifications of various kinds: in sexual practice, in public identification, in questionable same-sex friendships. Further, my children respect the man who sired them as a Christian and whose integrity hinges on identifying solely as husband and father. It would cast shame on them for ‘Dad’ to declare himself ‘gay. They would face the fallout in peer relationships, not me. Same with our parents. Annette’s folks knew of my background as did mine and encouraged us based on my living clean (and honest in weakness), free from ‘gay’ identification.

Language matters. And marriage is hard. Why make it harder on all concerned by employing plastic constructs (‘gay’, ‘mixed-orientation marriage’) that misconstrue one’s holy intention to stay true––body, soul, and spirit––to the love of one’s life?

We have a responsibility for Christians-to-come. We help them by insisting on definitions that line up with Jesus’ design and redemption. The language of Revoice and “Side B” confuses and disempowers. ‘Mixed marriage’? Good riddance to bad words.

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