Father of Delight #2

What a privilege to be a masculine force for the good! Fathers always impact children, for better or for worse. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi (senior, though junior’s no slouch—look him up at reintegrativetherapy.com) cast vision for that ‘good’ by powerfully describing ‘salient’ fathers as dads who leave a mark, not through misuses of power but by strong alliance.

Fathers whose force is long term, focused advocacy of a son or daughter empower that one to successfully face life challenges. Having sex? Easy. The real test of manhood is salient care of the one fathered.

Father Loves a Person

Each of my four children is different. Though I may desire Jesus-centric virtue for them all, each is a distinct personality that perceives and processes my input differently. An apt parallel is St. John Paul ll’s (Theology of the Body) philosophy which combines ‘personalism’ with universal moral reality: yeah, the same rules apply to everybody but must be contoured to each one.

What does that mean? I must get to know the person who happens to be my son or daughter: (s)he tells me who (s)he is. Am I watching and listening? For example, how a dad handles the super responsible child who tends to ‘please’ is different than the kid inclined to push the limits at every turn.

I discovered the distinctiveness of my three boys and one girl. That meant spending time with each one, finding out what (s)he liked, what made him cry or her laugh, what each one could readily, or barely, hear.

I loved their range! I delighted in it, but also adjusted how I offered myself based on his or her difference.

Father Confirms and Envisions

The masculine voice confirms the good, true personhood of each child. That applies to sexual identity—one’s unique expression of maleness and femaleness. A father can help him or her to integrate interests and goals with biological sex. Not that hard. Blessing the child’s distinctly masculine or feminine attributes as they shine through relationships, skills, and interests helps build confidence.

Relatedly, I learned how to encourage each one when I could see that (s)he was deflated a bit due to peer injustices. Each kid suffers a bit and any father with memory has too. One’s own stops and starts can help. Search him or her out when (s)he languishes: remind each of personal value and dignity that no one can take  away. Slings and arrows of rejection hurt but fatherly encouragement can empower another ‘launch.’

Similarly, when I see self-defeating patterns of thought or action in my kids, I challenge them. How? By urging him or her not to quit the team, to work a little harder at school, to stretch a bit. Best way to encourage good action? Confirm real strengths and aptitudes. Every child has them. A good father knows what those qualities are and reminds him or her of them when (s)he is settling for less.

Father Refines

The truth is that kids tend to settle for less. Whether taking on an LGBTQ+ identification, a pot addiction (or porn), subpar friendships, or gaming instead of studying, kids veer off. A father can best intervene by raising the bar a bit and reminding the child what will best serve him or her. Porn and rainbow culture poison original dignity, pot demotivates, subpar friends and intemperate habits dull bright kids.

Keep envisioning him or her! Kids lose sight of that vision. Pray a lot then speak a little. A father is a co-creator, which gives us authority to challenge gently a child who isn’t aspiring to what is better. Pray more. Speak again.

Mom and Dad need to partner in parenting, submitting to each other. While mothers tend to protect the child, the father may need to challenge: ‘don’t settle!’ As parents, give each other the grace of different rhythms.  

Father Owns Force

Masculine presence is strong. Our voices and bodies can be intimidating. I’ve been surprised by the recollections of my kids that I scared them at times. Self-awareness 101: I just have a lot of power in their eyes, so I need not ratchet up the tone or the look. Meekness helps. A quietly confident father doesn’t have to play G.I Joe or Hercules.

Father Keeps Fighting, Joyfully

A child, no matter how old, belongs more to God than any human father. In that way, (s)he is inviolable—protected—from being fully known by his or her parent. Only God knows in full! So rejoice in some authority and a lot of powerlessness, entrusting that child to the Father of all living.

It’s not over. That child is a work in progress who will continue to grow and fail and stall and surpass his or her parents. Empower what is weak, plead Blood over blind spots, rejoice in beauty and real strength. Praise the One who entrusts us with a solid limited share in His treasure.  

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